The #1 Predictor of Divorce based on Gottman couples therapy: How Contempt Quietly Damages Relationships

Do you ever feel like your partner just doesn’t “get it”? Or catch yourself thinking, “If they just listened to me, things would be better”?

Maybe you find yourself double-checking their decisions, redoing tasks “your way,” or feeling frustrated that you're always the one who has to hold things together. Perhaps you offer advice they didn’t ask for, feel secretly annoyed when they don’t manage emotions “correctly,” or believe you're the more mature one in the relationship.

These moments may seem small, even justifiable, but they often carry an undercurrent of covert contempt: the quiet belief that you’re more emotionally intelligent, more competent, or more “together” than your partner.

As a psychotherapist trained in the Gottman Method Couple Therapy, I see this subtle form of disconnection often, especially among high-functioning couples who appear solid on the outside, but are emotionally distant behind closed doors.

What Is Covert Contempt? Based on Gottman Couples Therapy

Covert contempt is the unspoken belief that you are superior to your partner—emotionally, intellectually, or even morally. Unlike explosive arguments, covert contempt can hide beneath politeness or sarcasm, making it harder to detect but just as harmful.

It can look like:

• Eye-rolling, smirking, or dismissive body language

• Correcting their words or stories mid-sentence

• Offering “helpful advice” they never asked for

• Saying things like:

  • “You always overreact.”

  • “Other people wouldn’t need this explained again.”

  • “Let me spell it out so you get it this time.”

• Mocking or mimicking their tone or emotions

• Acting like the “emotional adult” in every disagreement

• Comparing them to others: “My ex never needed this much reassurance.”

• Withholding appreciation or validation because they “haven’t earned it”

These behaviors often stem from frustration, fear, or burnout—but they communicate something deeper: You’re not enough.

Why Contempt Is So Harmful ; Based on Gottman Couples Therapy

Dr. Gottman’s research identified contempt as the number one predictor of divorce. Even when it’s subtle, contempt signals disgust, disconnection, and emotional rejection. Over time, it leads to:

• Defensiveness and withdrawal

• Resentment and stonewalling

• A breakdown of emotional intimacy

Terry Real describes contempt as a way we try to maintain power in a relationship—often as a defense against vulnerability. But connection doesn’t happen through control. It happens through mutual respect and emotional courage.

Couples Therapy Can Help You Reconnect

If you’re noticing patterns of judgment, frustration, or emotional distance, you don’t have to navigate it alone. In my Newmarket-based therapy and online therapy practice, I help couples recognize covert contempt and replace it with mutual respect and emotional safety.

You deserve a relationship built on partnership, not power struggles.

Book a free consultation call to decide how couples therapy can support you.

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