Understanding Gottman’s Four Horsemen of Relationships

A couple engages in positive communication and connection while practicing techniques from Gottman Couple Therapy to strengthen their relationship.

Why the Gottman Four Horsemen Matter in Couples Therapy

Conflict is a natural part of every relationship. The real difference between couples who thrive and couples who struggle isn’t whether they argue — it’s how they argue.

Renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman identified four toxic communication styles that can predict relationship dissatisfaction and even divorce if left unchecked. He called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

In couples therapy, the Gottman Four Horsemen framework helps partners notice destructive cycles and replace them with healthier communication patterns.

(This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy. If you and your partner are struggling, consider reaching out to a licensed couples therapist.)

1. Criticism: The First of Gottman’s Four Horsemen in Relationships

• What it looks like: Attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing behavior.Example: “You never help around the house. You’re so lazy.”

• Why it matters: Criticism often sparks defensiveness, escalating conflict.

• Couples therapy antidote: Use a gentle start-up with “I” statements.Example: “I feel overwhelmed when I do chores alone. Could we share them more evenly?”

2. Contempt: Why Gottman Calls This the Strongest Predictor of Divorce

• What it looks like: Mocking, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or dismissive comments.Example: “You’re useless — I can’t believe I married you.”

• Why it matters: Gottman’s research shows contempt is the single best predictor of divorce, eroding respect and intimacy.

• Couples therapy antidote: Build a culture of appreciation. Name what you value in your partner daily.Example: “I really appreciate how hard you worked this week.”

3. Defensiveness in Couples: How Gottman’s Four Horsemen Impact Therapy

• What it looks like: Shifting blame, making excuses, or counterattacking.Example: “It’s not my fault we’re late — you always take forever.”

• Why it matters: Defensiveness blocks accountability and escalates arguments.

• Couples therapy antidote: Accept responsibility, even if small.Example: “You’re right, I should have started getting ready earlier.”

4. Stonewalling: The Fourth Horseman Gottman Warns Couples About

• What it looks like: Withdrawing, shutting down, or giving the “silent treatment.”Example: Turning away or refusing to engage during conflict.

• Why it matters: Creates emotional distance and leaves problems unresolved.

• Couples therapy antidote: Practice self-soothing and re-engage when calm.Example: “I need 10 minutes to calm down. Can we continue after that?”

Patterns and Repair in Relationships

When the Four Horsemen show up regularly, they can form a negative cycle that erodes trust. In therapy, we often see how:

1. Criticism leads to defensiveness.

2. Defensiveness fuels contempt.

3. Contempt increases stonewalling.

Reflection Questions for Couples

• Do you notice any of Gottman’s Four Horsemen in your communication patterns?

• What would it look like to use the antidote instead?

• How can you increase small moments of appreciation and connection this week?

Replacing Destructive Patterns with Healthy Connection

Every couple argues — but how you argue can either build understanding or drive disconnection. The Gottman Four Horsemen framework helps couples recognize harmful cycles, while therapy offers tools to replace them with respect, accountability, and compassion.

✨ Want to understand your relationship patterns and build healthier ones?

Schedule your free consultation today!